Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (A Spoiler-filled Review!!!)

"You did it. You crazy sunuvabitch, you did it."

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

=Synopsis=

Chris Pratt and Jeff Goldblum make their triumphant return to the big screen in their largest collaboration since the credits of Guardians of the Galaxy 2! The dinosaurs are in danger as Universal's overspending and budget woes threaten to cause a volcanic eruption on Isla Nublar that could wipe out the God's most loving and docile creatures: Carnivorous, man-eating Hell Reptiles.

=Summary=

OH BOY. A new Jurassic Park. 5-year-old me would be shaking in his boots, pissing his pants, and then screaming that he didn't want to go on the King Kong ride, because the handlebars smelt like sweat and old mayo. 

3 years ago, Universal said... "Hey, remember that high-grossing franchise we ran into the ground with a semi-okay sequel, and an extremely boring and uninspired third film? Lets yank that fucker right off the shelf, splash some new-fangled CG, and make the T-Rex from the first movie beat the shit out of a genetically modified freak of nature". And thus, Jurassic World was born.

Starring Chris "Why Did I Marry Anna Faris?" Pratt, Some redheaded chick who is related to Ritchie Cunningham from Happy Days, B.D. FUCKING WONG, and that guy from Law and Order. (No, not Stabler. The other one. The one that blew his brains out in that one Kubrick movie). The story was - On the island from the FIRST movie, some rich dude bought inGen out and decided to make the park the RIGHT way. However, Private Pyle decided he wanted to weaponize dinosaurs, and everything went to hell with the escape of the INDOMINUS REX. You know it's terrifying because it has a weird name.

In the end, good wins over evil: Or in this case, T-Rex's are still fucking cooler than anything else you can dream up, Universal. Get it through your head. Spinosaurus is still a little bitch.

Thus begins Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. Now I warn you, there are heavy spoilers ahead. So cover your eyes, or make loud noises with your fingers in your ears, or shout at Rian Johnson about running Star Wars into the ground. Do whatever the fuck you want, I'm still gonna talk about this movie.



----- SPOILERS-----




----- FINAL WARNING -----





----- NO, SERIOUSLY, I'M NOT JOKING. -----





----- DID YOU EVER SEE SPACEBALLS? -----
----- THERE'S THAT FUNNY SCENE AT THE BEGINNING, -----
----- WHERE THE SHIP JUST KEEPS GOING, AND GO-... SHIT, SORRY. -----


=The Movie Itself=

Holy shit they did it. The madmen actually did it.

They made Jeff Goldblum into a fucking dinosaur.

So wow, what a twist for the ages. Apparently, Universal dumped all their marketing money in the right pot, because they pulled the biggest bait-and-switch I've ever seen. Let me explain:

Everything in the trailers? 100% in the movie. Not a single piece is missing. No edits, reshoots, etc. HOWEVER - This is literally only the first 20 minutes of the movie. Everything takes a sharp 90 degree turn after the volcano erupts. After the attempt to save the little girl being tormented by the Indoraptor, Chris Six-pack and Bryce Dallas Hows-my-acting discover that EVERY volcano on earth is set to erupt near simultaneously. Upon discovering this, they set out to stop the global catastrophe, but it's too late - The volcanoes erupt, killing off most human life on the planet.

However, Dinosaur embryos finally begin to hatch after decades in cold storage, bringing about a new Jurassic age. Over centuries, the dinosaurs begin to evolve to face the harsh reality of the new world they've inherited, their intelligence increasing exponentially.

After 2,000 years, the dinosaur scientists begin launching expeditions into the ruins of civilization, looking for signs of their predecessors. In their folly, they find research documenting the reverse engineering and genetic manipulation techniques used by the original inGen scientists. Utilizing this research, they begin extracting DNA from mosquitoes to bring species of dino back that have long been extinct, using their advanced knowledge to force evolution and allow their ancient brethren to think and speak as they do. In their hubris, they mistakenly extract human DNA from one of the subjects, and begin manipulating it without knowing what they're they're about unleash on the world.

Goldblumus Rex.

The Goldblumus Rex rapidly grows into a fierce, womanizing, testosterone-fueled machine of awkward laughter and gyrating hip motions. Seeing the terror they've brought upon their advanced civilization, the attempts to control the situation are met with resistance as Goldblumus Rex learns to communicate with the lesser dino species, plotting an uprising against the leader of the Dino Nations - Steve Jobzilla.

Using his vast knowledge of Chaos Theory, Goldblumus Rex creates a rift between dinosaur civilizations, leading to the first Dino World War. As Triceratops and Velociraptors alike are drafted and outfitted with head-mounted lasers, Goldblumus uncovers an ancient vault of clones of Christ Pratt - set aside by the original Pratt in the event he needed to film any more than 20 films a year - and begins to resurrect his human brethren. As the Nu-Pratt's (with their finely toned muscles and knowledge of how to please a woman solely with their eye movements), begin to descend upon Jobzilla's dino army with Goldblumus' batallion at their side, you begin to realize as the credits start to roll... 

This was a Dino Riders Prequel.

Bra-fucking-vo, Universal.


=In Closing=

The film itself is a thrill ride, beginning to end. I could have done with at least two more Goldblumus Rex sex scenes, though. (He really gave a raw performance with those two Apatosaurus.)

Amazing performances all-around from the cast, ESPECIALLY the CGI-integrated face of Steve Jobs on Jobzilla. I really do think that it was poor form using Ashton Kutcher's voice, though: Fassbender would have been the better choice for such a dramatic role.

Also, why the hell did they have Sam Neill playing the voice of the city-wide A.I. in Dino D.C.? That just seemed like pointless fan pandering. Not every fanbase needs something to swoon about in these movies. (I'm looking at you, Lucasfilm.)

=Final Score=
4/5
A great film with a great cast, and a fantastic way to bring a new film franchise into the fold. Universal really pulled out all the stops. Can't wait for Dino Riders, guys.


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Manliest Video Game Characters #1

Welcome to my very first entry of "Manly Video Game Characters". The point of these posts is to educate you on the awesomeness inherent in the personality traits of certain males in the Vidya. I figured I'd start this segment off with a lesser known character, and work my way up from there.



Ronixis J. Kenni
(Star Ocean: Fantastic Space Odyssey)

Where to start? Ronixis, commander of the Starship "Calnus", of the Earth Federation, ends up getting involved with the affairs on the primitive planet of Roak. In the process, he's essentially given the leadership over the group of ragtag members who end up restoring order to the planet, and saving the future they came from in the process.

Ronixis is your normal Military-type Anime Character; Strategic, cocky, and sarcastic. He drags his second-in-command, Ilia Silvestri, along with him for the ride they take when they discover all the weird "petrification" shit going down on Roak.

Ronixis figures out that there's only one way to reverse the petrification, and that's to retrieve a sample from the monster from whose blood it was created; The Archfiend. The only issue? - It was killed centuries ago.

So Ronixis comes up with a plan; They use the Forbidden Time Gate on planet Styx to go back in time, and stop the disease from taking the planet over. They state clearly that they don't know how it works, why it works, and that it might have a mind of its own. And the entire planet is sealed off to keep people from attempting to use it.

This stops Ronixis for approximately three seconds.

... The man encounters a TALKING Time Machine, and says, "Well, Fuck it. We ready? TOO BAD!", and jumps right on in. He disobeys direct orders from the Leader of the Federation, and risks a Court Marshal; That's ASSUMING his ass won't get torn asunder by jumping through AN UNKOWN PIECE OF TIME DISTORTING EQUIPMENT, WHICH TALKS.

Not only that, but they're forced to leave their space-age equipment on the planet they traveled from. Ronixis ends up downgrading from a Laser Pistol?... To a Crossbow. And somehow STILL manages to do insane damage with it.

Moving along in the story, he helps the others defeat the Archfiend, and becomes one of the legendary members of the party who defeated it in the legends of the future. After being sent back to his own time in the game, he proceeds to knock Ilia up, and they pop out a child whom - in the sequel - goes on to become the greatest swordsman on planet Expel. Greater even than Dias Flac, who I consider nearly equally as manly as Ronixis.

And to top it all off, when faced with certain death in the sequel? The man goes down with his ship, after telling his son it was up to him and his friends to save the universe. He could have easily ordered a retreat, or even had the crew eject? But the man purposely takes a particle cannon shot to the cockpit.

This said, Ronixis marks the first entry on my list of "Manly Video Game Characters".

Deus Ex

Deus Ex
"If there were no God, it would be necessary to invent him."

Plotline:
Terrorism, Conspiracy, Extremely Stalker-ish A.I. Systems!!!
JC Denton - Augmented human, and member of UNATCO - gets caught up in a web of secrets, lies, and betrayal. All whilst attempting to figure out who's telling the truth, whose side he's truly on, and whether or not the world will benefit from the plans in place by the Illuminati, an organization called "Majestic 12", and the A.I. systems attempting to manipulate him. And while sporting a leather trenchcoat, as well. Conspiracy theories have never looked so stylish!!!

Review:
Today!? I REVIEW A PC GAME. Well, at the behest of my best friend. I got ahold of a copy of this wonderful lil' slice of PC Gaming awesomeness, and installed it at super-speed. Deus Ex pulled in a "Game of the Year" award, and the praise of a very dedicated fan-base. It has spawned a sequel (of lesser caliber, however.), and a prequel is on it's way; Of which my friend and I are certain will be just as bastardized, if not more, than the sequel.

Now, before I get started on this masterpiece of political intrigue, and stealth-actionan' (I always tend to sneak. Just how I am.), let me first explain to you that I am NOT reviewing the vanilla version of the game. Indeed... I have broken a rule of mine, and installed a mod. Mainly, a mod that allows you to THROW EVERY MELEE WEAPON IN THE GAME. You see, there are Throwing Knives in the game. Very sparse, however... I loved these little fuckers SO much, that I felt the need to install a mod that allows you to throw EVERYTHING. So this entire review?

Is centered around me using nothing but Throwing Crowbars.

That's right, people. I spent the entire game tossing crowbars. THE WHOLE GAME. And I enjoyed it. Every second of it. You'll never understand how beautiful life can be, until you chunk a crowbar at an unsuspecting guard. Hearing them scream in agony never gets old, when a crowbar hath flown directly into their cranium. It's a wondrous sight. Now, I'll admit.. Once I obtained the Spybot Augmentation (Augmentations are upgrades to JC's systems, allowing new abilities), I used it - along with EMP grenades - to tackle larger robotic enemies. I'm sorry, but no matter how many crowbars you toss at those bastards, they refuse to go down. It was slightly disappointing, actually...

ANYWAY! On to the meat of the review. Let me first start with the game's "weakest" point; the graphics. Now don't get angry just yet, people. I'm not going to trash them. I'm just going to state that they haven't aged well, through the years. Keep in mind, this game ran on a heavily-modified version of the "Unreal Tournament" engine, so to the graphics-whore, this game is going to be hard to stomach these days. Me? I'm the kind of guy who replays games like "Mystic Quest", just out of masochism. So the graphics don't bother me in the least bit. In my honest opinion? I'd say this game sported some of the best specular effects of it's time. The lighting is fantastic, for an older game. And enemies do respond to shadows, so sneaking in them is a near-necessity. I say near, because there *are* augmentations for Cloaking, but they drain immense amounts of energy.

The character models are well done, and aside from a few "animation" issues. One that still makes me laugh is Denton unequiping his weapon everytime he speaks. It's like he's trying to kindle a fire in his hands... NEVER gets old. On the whole, the game runs smoothly. I never had a chance to play the game on an older machine, so I have no comparison. However, my PC is old enough to be incapable of running BioShock smoothly. so it's quite "weathered", by today's standards. I'd say the biggest issue with the graphics is the texturing. It's hard to crank out high resolution textures in a game like this, however. I believe the standard back then was 256x256, or so. So you can't really bitch about it too much. They did the best with what the engine had to offer, and I believe they succeeded.

The sound effects are absolutely wonderful. I only played with a gun once or twice, and it had a silencer on it... So, I can't vouch for the awesomeness of POV Gunshot sound effects? But god damn; I could point out to you what the sound of a thrown crowbar meeting a skull sounds like? In an instant. The voice acting is a bit of a mixed bag, really. Certain characters have amazing voices (Jaime, Nicolette, Jock, Alex.), while others are just comical at times. (Gunther, Page, Simons, and Tong.).

Denton has quite possibly the greatest over-reaction to a statement I've ever heard, in the form of shouting, "A BOMB!". It's hard not to laugh at how he talks, at times. But it's great, at the same time, because he brings a real feeling of nigh-emotionless loyalty to the character, and manages to succeed in making you feel like his path is however you choose to play his character. It's kind of freeing to play a game that actually does a good job at making a pre-existing character feel so neutral, that you really do feel like you're guiding him on the path you believe is most beneficial.

Gameplay is absolutely top-notch. In the time-frame this game was released? It offered a freedom of playstyle that VERY few games had offered, up to that point (Outside of text-based adventures, that is.). If you don't believe me, re-read my previous statements: I stealth'd through the game, throwing crowbars. Take that in for a few seconds. Let it sink it. Think about the fact that there is an entire continent of digital enemies writhing in pain on the floor, due to my immaculate crowbar tossing skill. Has it sunk in yet? Are we good? Ok, then. Continuing on...

This is also one of few games I can think of in it's timeframe that allowed a non-lethal approach to finishing the game; There are guides on the net dedicated to teaching players how to bypass the killing of ANY NPC in the game, at Denton's hands. It's a wonderful way to enjoy the game, on a second playthrough. Personally, I enjoy being able to draw a little blood. But that's just me! I'm sure some people out there prefer a less-violent way of finishing the game... Perhaps a way that doesn't involve the launching of crowbars? Absurd, I know. But likely...

The story, I saved for last. Mainly because I still can't think of the right words to use, in order to praise it. The story is really the main reason my friend convinced me to pick the game up. And let me tell you now; I was not disappointed. This game has, by far, one of the greatest politically based stories I've come across in my years of video gaming. The standard it sets for other story-based games is actually somewhat intimidating, when it comes down to it. Even now, games like BioShock - which made obvious connections to Objectivism, and the questioning of ideology - Still have a hard time keeping up with the level of detail this game put into it's story. Newspapers, books, computer terminals; They all feature stories, updates on the world events in response to JC's choices, and even interpretations of possible events in the future of our current government.

On a few levels, it's slightly scary to see a video game's story mirror real-world politics so vividly. I honestly wouldn't be suprised if this game won it's awards off of it's story, alone. Now, clearly the game has more to offer than just story, but the point I'm attempting to make is that the game's story is the real selling point; Something that drags you in, and really makes you think about the consequences of the choice you make at the end of the game.

With all that said, even with it's few flaws, the game is the pinnacle upon the top of the Golden Age of PC Gaming. I can't think of enough words to explain how influential this game went on to be, to other developers and franchises. All I can say is that it deserves ATLEAST a playthrough, if not two, to understand the events of the game to their full extent, and appreciate it in it's entirety.



Summary:
Even with it's aging graphic engine, the game still managed to chug along at a wonderful pace. The gameplay mechanics keep the game fresh, and exciting. You never feel bored with it, in the least. The freedom of being able to play JC however you want is what truly stands out, allowing you to create all sorts of mischief, or just breeze on past the enemies. When you reach the end of the game, you truly feel you've worked to get there; it's not an empty victory.

The sound effects are a strong point: Good voices, good effects, and an AMAZING Soundtrack that fits the ambience of the game perfectly. In an age where games are often without decent music, the days of using an MP3 Player to fuel your needs for music are at a peak, when it comes to gaming. Deus Ex does not falter, and delivers a stunning score that manages to keep your mind in the game. The story is it's shining point, and can't be explained with enough words by yours truly; It has to be experienced to be understood.


What the ... :
I find it slightly funny that I can knock out a guard, and alert the guy next to him. But if I hide? He cares nothing about the bleeding corpse next to him. DO YOU HAVE NO HONOR, GUARD-GUY?! CAN'T YOU ATLEAST MOVE HIM!? Also, one of the boss fights is a little annoying, if you don't pay attention to how he moves/aims; He can literally one-shot you, with his weapon. It gets frustrating, when you can't manage to kill an enemy do to their over-powered plasma launcher...

Story
5

Gameplay
5

Graphics
4

Audio
4

God of War II

God of War II
And of Stylish Armor.

Plotline:
After the events of the first God of War, Kratos takes up his rightfully earned throne on Mount Olypmus, dishing out war and mayhem to any that oppose his rule as the true God of War. The other Gods don't take as kindly to his... "MY SPARTANS CONQUER ALL!!!" mentality, and conspire to outcast him back to his own mortality, sapping the powers of the Gods from him. Zeus himself delivers a "helping hand" to Kratos, but can he really be trusted? Better yet, can anyone with a beard tied in braids be trusted? This is a question we should all ask ourselves...

Review:
ALRIGHT. Three, count them, three beat-'em-up games in a row, for yours truly. You all know me. This is like torture, playing the same genre three times in a row. But I suffer through it, my adoring fans. I suffer through it for you. All 8 of you. You really mean that much to me, truly. Absolutely fantastic. *thumbs up*... Seriously though. Anyone who knows me, knows that I hate playing the same genre continuously. It starts to get stale, and causes a slight amount of boredom in my mind, thus making the game harder for me to complete, as it no longer holds my attention as well as the previous games.

I am proud to tell you that this is not one of those cases. God of War II picks up what seems like a few months/possibly years after the first one, where Kratos has decided to unleash hell, and help his Spartan army conquer his enemies. First thing you notice when you start the game is that... Not a whole lot has changed. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. The formula for the first game was pretty spot-on, so why fix something that wasn't broken in the first place?

The first thing you'll notice once you get into the game itself, is that the controls have remained solid. Button presses are exact, the controls respond perfectly, and the combat system from the first one is intact. In fact, you start with everything you ended the first game with. Of course, you can't stay that over-powered the entire game, so it's sapped away from you in the first level, thus why you quest the entire game to retrieve your power/exact your revenge. And if there's anyone suited to dish out some God-loathing justice, it's Kratos. I mean, the guy flat out reamed Liam Nee-... Ares. AND THERE IT IS, FOLKS. I use the word "ream", once more. From now on? Kratos doesn't fight. He doesn't attack. He reams. REEEEEEEAM.

Anyway, continuing forward. The new powers in the game are pretty nifty. "Cronos' Rage" sticks out, which replaces the Poseidon magic from the original game. It's essentially a stationary Charged Bolt spell, like you'd find in the Diablo games. Very nifty for large amounts of enemies. And "Medusa's Gaze" has been changed to "The Head of Euryale". What a friggin' buff. This attack was absolutely useless, in GoW, but holy hell, it is absolutely epic this time around. You can charge it, and unleash a DOME of long-lasting petrification. This, coupled with the Blades of Athena, can take out an entire room of enemies in seconds. However, that's the other problem. Aside from the Blade of Olympus in "Bonus Play", after you beat the game, the rest of the weapons you unlock through-out the game, (The Spear of Destiny, and the Barbarian Hammer), are pretty much useless. I used them for the sections you gain them in, and then never again. It's really sad to have such awesome weapon models collecting dust.

The game has bosses. (NO RLY?!?!) However, they're extremely simple, and easily dispatched. The first boss is a pretty fun little fight, as it's multi-tiered. You actually go inside him, at one point, and finish him off from there. But very few boss battles in the game are that intense. The final boss of the game, this time around, is an absolute pushover, even on God Difficulty. My fight with him consisted of... "Cronos' Rage, Cronos' Rage, Cronos' Rage, Rage of the Titans, C-C-C-C-COMBO."... And bam. He was dead. I'm also disappointed to not that there was no equivalent to Pandora's Temple in this game, which made yours truly quite the sad little man. And this sequel suffers more so from the same issue the last one had; Certain battles drag on, and get obscenely boring, especially at the mid-point of the game. You find yourself having memorized all the combos, and just never losing a bit of health or magic, due to Context-Killing all your enemies.

I will state, however, that the context-based kills in this game get pretty damn brutal. One in particular involves a mace-wielding, armored soldier. You dig your blades into his shoulders, flip over his head, and yank. Long story short; decapitation. It's one of those scenes you never get tired of. However, it also refills most of your RotT meter, making the game even easier. It's a mixed bag, really. You start to feel a bit challenged, the game starts getting almost cinematic? And out of nowhere, they throw in some extremely easy moments.

On the graphics side, the game looks just as good as the first. Not the absolute best the PS2 has offered, but awfully close. The upgrades to certain effects, and animations, are welcome. The locales of the game are as beautiful as ever. The level design is spectacular, but sometimes underwhelming in terms of "Why would they design it that way in ancient Greece??". The magic effects, and stylized camera moves during boss fights and context-based attacks are still absolutely top-notch, with one sticking out in particular. A fight at the Palace of the Fates, involving a silhouette of you and your opponent fighting against the backdrop of a stained glass window, from a 2D perspective. It was a top-quality scene, and whoever had the idea of doing it in a 2D perspective deserves a god-damned raise.

Audio is better than ever, with the sound effects ringing out perfectly. Everything makes the sound you'd imagine. From Kratos' Blades, to the minotaur snarl. Even the creepy, almost gag-inducing sound of the Kraken tentacles slurping on a surface. Ambiance in the game is a lot more noticeable this time around. Nature in the background, gears rotating and chains clanking together. Everything is done to great detail. The score for the game is nice, as well. The track that plays during the ascension of Atlas is absolutely golden, in terms of providing atmosphere. You really feel like you're scaling a Titan, as opposed to a brick wall.


Summary:
The game has it's moments. Disappointing boss battles, and sometimes tediously long combat aside? The story manages to entertain, the animation is fluid, and the characters always seem to drag your imagination further in. It's not perfect, but it's worth the purchase. The graphics are good, but not astounding. The level design is fun, but could be better. The audio is as perfect as you could expect, and the "Bonus Play" feature makes subsequent playthroughs more and more enjoyable. If you liked the first game, you'll like this one too.


What the ... :
Gaia. Leader of the Titans. "Mother" of Zeus... HAS MAN BOOBS. I say "man", because her face model is manly, and she has a tree-mullet. Yes. Read that again, if you have to; TREE-MULLET. Also, this one requires absolutely no description: Cod of War.


Story
5

Gameplay
3

Graphics
4

Audio
5

God of War

God of War
Spartan of Fashion!!!

Plotline:
You play Kratos, the ex-leader of a Spartan army. During a battle with some barbarians, he prays to the Gods for power to finish his fight. His prayer is answered by Ares, God of War, in exchange for his everlasting obedience, and the fabled Blades of Chaos are fused to his arms permanently. Shortly thereafter, his family is slaughtered, leaving Kratos on his own, his only remaining purpose to serve the Gods. Ares goes on the warpath, due to Athena gaining Zeus's favor, and begins to rough up her city something wicked. And guess who the Gods expect to stop him?... That's right. Kratos. So you embark upon a journey of danger, excitement, and extremely adorable Cerberus puppies.

Review:
Well, after playing the prequel on the PSP a few days ago, I just could not resist taking the time to blast through this game, as well. As before, I went through on Spartan difficulty, so any issues I may have may be a bit easier to handle with Normal. First, let me start by saying that this game series started off, and if the PSP iteration proved anything, has continued with an amazing control scheme. I mean seriously? The days of missing platform hops, and attack delays? Over. This game is by no means the most amazing on the planet, don't get me wrong. There are some others that reserve that title, in my mind.

*COUGH*Star Ocean 2*COUGH*

Anyway! The control scheme is ridiculously simple to learn, and stays consistent through-out. Never do you find yourself pushing the wrong button to switch to a different magic spell, or messing up a combo. If you START to ream an enemy? You're damn well justified, as Kratos, to finish reaming them. And you'll ream them good. Really, I'm just looking for any excuse to use the word "ream". It's a wonderful way to say... "MESS YOUR FACE UP ROYALLY". So, the controls for the game are great. And unlike the PSP version, never caused me an ache or cramp through the entire sitting. I played this game from beginning to end in about 7-8 hours, on Spartan Mode.

Now, here's the thing you have to understand about this game. The combat? Is great. The story? Fantastic. The enemies? Great designs. But, Sweet Hermes in a Nike Shop, talk about some cheap AI. Enemies patterns are RIDICULOUSLY easy to learn. There were only two enemies in the game that gave me trouble, on a normal basis... The Satyr's, and the Sickle-wielding Legionnaires. Now, the reason these two gave me such trouble? They are the only two re-occuring enemies in the game with random blocking patterns. I tried to find some sort of tell-tale sign of them being TOTALLY open? But it eventually came down to me tricking them into heavy hits to stun them, following up with harder hits to keep them out of the fight. Aside from those two enemies, the rest are damn easy to dispatch. However, here comes my big complaint. Yes, I'm playing a game called "God of War". Yes, I've got blades attached to chains. But why... OH WHY... Are some of these battles so tedious? They aren't even tough. They're just... Long.

Here's an example. One of the bosses you fight (I won't say when, as to prevent spoilers), is a Giant Minotaur. This battle is intimidating as hell, when you start? Until about 30 seconds in, when you realize he only has 4 easily dodgeable attacks, and you have to widdle off his armor through 4 mini-games before actually killing it. This fight takes about 7 minutes, if you do it right. It was just annoying. There are random enemy encounters during levels that just seem to drag on, and on, and on... I didn't think the game would have this issue, but I keep forgetting that Chains of Olympus was the most recent. Combat would sometimes be epic, and seriously enticing. But othertimes, would just bore the hell out of me on the way to my next puzzle. And I won't get into my love for this game's puzzles. I'll say it this way; If I had to rate this games level design, and the enjoyability of it's puzzles alone? It would get a perfect score.

Kratos has got to be one of the best game character in the past few years, exhuming this amazing amount of charisma and power, while still avoiding the stereotypical "Chosen Hero" mind-set. The man has some demons. And we're not talking... "Oops, I forgot to turn the stove off", here. This man has some serious skeletons in his closet. I'm not sure if I mean that literally, actually. Does Kratos have a closet? Does Kratos have a house!? DOES KRATOS EAT?! DOES HE DRINK!? DOES HE EVER SLEEP!? I swear to god. There's a part in the game where the narrator says... "Kratos climbed the rockface to the temple's wall for 3 days."... 3 days. 72 hours. And no mention of... "He stopped to take a nap near a vultures nest.", "He popped a squat around Kronos's head"... NOTHING. The man is a beast. He doesn't slow down, he doesn't give up... Did I mention the 3-foot wide stone spike? Oh, nevermind. You'll find out for yourself.

The bosses, as in Chains of Olympus, are pretty awesome. They're a bit lacking in the numbers department, however. Now that I think about it, there were only about 5 boss battles. 5 of which being near the very end of the game. With one of them being less of a boss battle, and more of an exercise in making you wish you could rip your hair out. You think Kratos is a badass? Yeah. Wait until you're fighting him. Not enough for you? How about 5 of him. Ok... How about 12? That's right. 12 Kratos', coming at you continuously. Whilst you guard NPC's. The final battle itself is fun, but suffers from the same issue the rest of the games enemies have; Pattern. After 30 seconds or so, you know every move in their repertoire. Not to mention, Kratos can somehow manage to block/parry just about anything.

Another small issue I have is with the use of some of your equipment. Two things in particular, actually. The "Medusa's Gaze" spell, and the "Zeus's Fury" spells. Medusa's Gaze is great, early on, and allows you to dispatch bigger enemies quickly. However, it's use dwindles later on, due to the amount of enemies, and if not properly leveled, it's insta-cast freeze ability is out-of-reach. Zeus's Fury is awesome, and your only TRUE ranged attack. But even when leveled to it's maximum, it can't take out an enemy archer with a fully charged bolt, so it falls short of my expectation for the King of the Gods power. There is one amazingly overpowered spell, late in the game. "Army of the Dead". This power saved me the trouble of bashing my head into my desk, during the Kratos Clone-fight. Leveling this spell was the best thing I could have done, to prep for the end.

The graphics were ahead of their time, for the year the game came out. Some of the locales, and the scale, are just phenomenal. Effects on Kratos' blades and powers are absolutely top-notch, and one area of the game in particular makes the game worth the purchase alone. (Pandora's Temple). I never experienced a hint of slowdown, even on my Fat ol' refurbed PS2, and never had a single graphics glitch the whole game. So it does a good job. However, some of the enemy textures could have used a bit of work. The Cyclops, in particular, never actually looked much like a cyclops. More like a troll, or ogre.

The audio is great. Again, the sound track manages to impress, but never invade your senses to the point of tearing you away from the game itself. The sound effects for all the weaponry, spells, and "metal-on-metal" are absolutely superb. Enemies sounds and reaction noises are great, but a few - such as the Harpies and Cerberus Pups - could have used some work. Voice acting is quality, and the narration is absolutely riveting. You never feel like you're watching a movie, or playing a brainless Hack & Slash. The game reached a good balance, with it's gameplay and storytelling.

Summary:
In the end, this is one of those games you'll pick up if you're a fan of the genre. However, I highly recommend it to anyone with a like for a good story, and challenging gamplay. The game truly is one of the shining gems of the PS2, in terms of overall value. Even with it's flaws, the game never fails to impress, or suprise... ("Uhm... Am I in Hell?)... And by the end of the game, you leave without feeling you've wasted a single moment of your time. The graphics are good, the sound quality's nice, the voice acting is terrific. Combat can be a mixed bag. Always responsive, but sometimes gets boring when enemies start showing up en masse.

All in all, a great story, great main character, and wonderful stages and combat system make this game an absolute must-rent, if not a buy.


What the ... :
Alright. Glaringly odd observation here... But am I the ONLY person who noticed that Ares resembles Liam Neeson? I almost wanted him to go Darkman on Kratos. Would have made for one helluva sight.


Story
5

Gameplay
4

Graphics
4

Audio
4